女人好难

从小大概4，5岁的年纪我总是在思考活着到底有什么意义

我是个很悲观的孩子

很容易害怕也觉得世界好复杂好麻烦

我还记得我6岁已经在烦恼以后我有孩子还得帮孩子报名学校真麻烦

我一直都在不对等的年纪烦恼很遥远的事

也不确定到底是什么状况，小学开始就在想以后长大要尝试为人母为人妻，然后养育孩子成人后，我便想剃发出家，远离红尘。

可当成长后，忙学业，忙娱乐，忙恋爱，忙事业，忙家庭，对周围的事逐渐冷感。

也不知道几时开始对世界又燃起了很多的好奇

一直在刷玄学，高灵，维度，平行世界等等的视频。

从以前我就很相信轮回，因果也对佛教有些浅白的认识

我也好奇难道就只有出家修行才能脱离轮回吗

然后最近的我相信其实每个人来到世界都有需要修的课题，而这些课题并不是一定要不

出家才能修。

我目前的状况总是感觉事业不上不下

妻子和母亲的角色勒得我好紧

负面的思绪一直涌出来

我觉得我很累很孤独没有人心疼我

好想一了百了

可是现实把我拉回来

我的孩子很小他们真的很需要妈妈

伤心哭完了也开始思考

或许这是我该修的课题

成为一个女人

背负许多的责任

而且任劳任怨

不可以让我的家人为我担忧难过

生气失望怨恨

我都该在事情完成后放下然后进入下个阶段

当我总觉得我撑不过时，我撑过来了

然后一系列的自我怜悯00

其实都不是什么大事

解决了就放掉

这辈子的考验都是我可以跨越的

心态要摆正，我爱的人很重要

此刻只想说妻子和妈妈真的不好当

有那么一次我真的好想跟女儿说单身就好

我不舍得她经历那么多

但想想她也有她该修的人生，我并不是她人生的主导

把她健康地带来世界就是最好的礼物了

放下放下

何必执我

愿大家吉祥快乐

Third time being mom

​A new update after more than a year.

Welcome my boy to our family~

It is my third child as a mom, hopefully no more addition (Haha)

I can’t tell that it is an easy process, but indeed it is more blessed process compared to my two elder kids.

I had smooth deliveries, great benefits from company, even valuable advice from my manager on breastfeeding, conducive confinement centre, no fussy work.

However, there were bad days after my confinement.

We were burgled just after a week from my return. It caused me depressed and trauma fearing that someone could hurt us. Our home is no longer a safe place. I even thought of let’s sell it and move to safer house😅 To fix our worries, we repaired and added few more expensive padlocks, installed alarm system and CCTVs. All our savings burnt out for all these unexpected incidents. Not to mentioned the jewelleries that lost during the burglary. (I am so shattered with the lost of the gold pendant from my MIL and the gold necklace given by my mom to my husband) 

After all the installation work done, I was fully exhausted to clean up the mess and make sure they are properly maintain for my kids to stay. I can feel my body tear up but yay mom’s strength does exist. I endured the tiredness. Especially there was newborn in house, I could not have a night of good sleep. Luckily, I am truly grateful that maternity leave saves my life. When everything finally up to track, we decided for a short escape where we would have a staycation at Hompthon Hotel.

It was a great fun, for my kids😂 not for adult. My husband was expecting for a horny night but in fact we were just weary.

Not to we knew that, there was a beginning of another dead tired incident. My daughter caught in fever just after we checked out from hotel. Soon, we did notice a temperature kick on my little newborn. We thought they just having normal cold, so I myself brought both of them to kids clinic on the next day. Unfortunately, it wasn’t a normal flu, it is influenza A. (Crying inside my mind). Bringing them home, quarantined them from my husband and kids. I took care of them alone. The bad thing was I did not truly aware of myself and I was infected the next day. The body ache was real and so did the fever. I was thankful that I went thru the days where I had to feed, bath, calm the kids with all the uncomfortable condition. That was the time where I started to grumble to my husband, why I had to bear so much on myself. (The truth is marriage quarrel is inevitable, you may hear the harshest word or the cold tone) I had to think back those greatness so I won’t continue to blame because I know we were all overtired.

If you were to ask me whether to get marry again if I can choose again, it would be definitely yes to the same man. I have no regret to born 3kids with him although I may have spent money on travel without hassle (kids). It is so much love in return from my kids when they learn to express their feelings. One of the day while quarantining in my kid’s room, my daughter would listen to my command and did best not to cause trouble to me as she knew mommy was tired. She would give me greatest hugs and smile whenever I needed. 

I love my kids so much, I can’t even look at or just merely think of any bad things happen on my kids, no matter how old they are. I wish my kids would always be safe, healthy and live in blessings. Every time when they’re sick, I would check their breathing in the midnight just to ensure they still breathing 😂mom is stress. I am not going to read my blog and I do not hope any of them read of these. Im just contented that I still have a good place to share my story and feelings. 

愿世界和平,大家健康平安欢喜

家庭生活

刹那间，我已婚3年多。

这3年的甜酸苦辣自己深感体会。

有能力一定要拥有自己的家，自己的空间。

每个月都在期待得到好消息。

等来的却还是空虚。。

家婆真的是个神奇的生物。。

各家都有自己的款式。

虽然家婆的确帮了我好多的事，可也说多了嘴。

算我真的性格不太喜欢被批评。

从小都是家里的小女儿，爸爸都是疼着。

搬入夫家真的好不自在，感觉能活动自如的空间只剩下自己的房间，好不开心。

也不能说老公处理不好，就是时机就是这么个样。

该努力的做了，该忍的也在承受着。

每天我只希望快点有个自己的小窝。。

再累点我都甘愿做甘愿受。

最近这几天真的好焦虑又脾气暴躁。

一点点都能惹怒，我事后会后悔，可当下就是忍不住。

真的女人的温柔都可以在婚后被磨灭。

特别是当妈后这脾气可是说来就来说走就走。

好想如以前般跟朋友来个说走就走的任性。

现在每天睡前睡醒都在安排孩子，老公，工作的事。

有多少的时间真的是留给自己？好像只有老公孩子睡了，我才能好好有个me time.

说了好久的manicure, pedicure 我都没有去到。

说好的外国旅行，我的没有再去了。

为了家，我身不由己。

人们说女人要为自己，可是我知道我自己其实比较依赖老公孩子。

忍忍吧。

神明们，可以保佑我快点收到屋子吗？

想快点装修，有个自己喜爱的家。

祈祷❤️

年轻妈妈

 我虽说不上是年轻妈妈但或许我是我朋友圈子里算是早婚和怀孕生子。

老实说当妈妈后才真正体会到什么是崩溃。

不说与家人或老公家人的相处方式改变，

自己心理、身体都很疲乏。

平日工作后只想往家里跑，看着孩子闹脾气，喂饭晚上还要哄睡。

周末要看着2个宝贝吃喝拉撒，还得兼顾补习。

忙得我闲下来时什么话都不想说了。

有多久没有看完一套连续剧，有多久没有悠闲地逛。。

等孩子睡了，我的世界只剩下手机和老公。。真的不求多了。

以前总想那些当妈妈后的，忧郁的应该多出来参朋友，世界不应该只有家庭。

可是当自己是妈妈的身份，我承认更多的是自己愿意留在家里。

舍不得离开孩子，中心变了，想法也变了。

才知道洒脱并不能解决问题。

安心就是家在我就在。

婚后有太多的变化和悲伤都选择自己和另一半消化。

另一半变成很重要的角色，庆幸猪队友已经化成神队友。

曾经无话不谈的朋友都渐渐失去联系。

有时候感慨，觉得自己是否与朋友圈脱节了，肯定是我个人的问题。

总在想大家是不是讨厌我了，我却没这个勇气与任何朋友再彻夜长谈。

因为我知道话题不再同步，也更害怕空气突然安静。

但愿你们都安好幸福。

有了孩子，与原生家人的生活也巨大改变。

女人，到底是多韧性才能一下子接受这么多变化？

我也佩服我自己，我变得好坚强。

可是我也好懦弱，看着孩子不舒服，不听使唤，我会自己掉眼泪。

年轻时总埋怨爸爸妈妈怎么凶，怎么一直逼我做事。

现在我知道，真的教育孩子好累好累。

有多久没有自然醒，有多久没有为自己买一份喜欢的礼物。

为了孩子妈妈什么都愿意。

我希望我的孩子有想法，敢于表达。

懂得礼貌，懂得尊敬长辈，懂事也会处事。

当然我也希望他们开心，但我更希望他们比我坚强，成为相处舒服的人。

曾经试过想与朋友分享孩子的成长，或自己的无奈，却发现其实并不是我想象的那样。

原来真的。。尴尬了。。

我像是炫耀，我像是怨妇，我像是虎妈。。

反而那些以前不曾聊天，现在当妈妈后的朋友竟然可以不停的聊。

虽然都是互吐苦水，但却给到彼此正能量。

老公说足矣，没什么好遗憾，世事就是如此。

想了好多天，想抒发，终于有时间好好写。

感觉好多了，未来日子也继续加油。

或许以后不再嘘寒问暖，但我也有在你们背后默默祝福，希望你们幸福。

怀念过去，期待未来孩子都大了，我们日子有空了，或许可以好好畅谈，我真的有想你们。

加油！

再见妈妈

 7月18号这一天我的妈妈随菩萨修行了。

搁了很久的心情，我想把它写出来，好好跟妈咪道别。

5月9日是我和孩子们最后一次见到妈咪。。孩子的婆婆。。

5月17日，妈咪生病了，很累一直睡，胃口不好，什么都不吃。

5月19日姐姐决定把妈咪送去浮罗医院看病。那时妈咪行动已经不方便，需靠轮椅移步。

5月20日妈咪情况不佳，呼吸有些困难，医生建议把妈咪送往GH接受治疗，因为有比较完善的设备，而妈咪需要呼吸器。

5月21日~5月23日漫长的等待，一直等待妈咪的第三次的新冠测试，而我们无法见到妈妈，只能依靠医生的电话知道妈妈的状况。（妈咪依靠着呼吸器，可是仍未接受任何治疗因为测试结果未得到）

间中，我才突然想起有朋友在那里当医生，感恩舒婷和伟弘，我的妈妈有呼吸器使用，可以在加护病房得到比较好的照料。愿你们与所有医护人员平安健康。我的爸爸、哥哥和姐姐可以偶尔偷渡进去跟我妈咪见面。

终于等到了妈咪可以取下呼吸器，可以移至普通病房。妈咪开始苏醒，医生说妈咪很好，还会开玩笑。只是还需要靠牛奶和feeding tube。1个月妈咪一个人在医院奋斗，靠着回家的意念，我妈咪办到了。

6月12日妈咪回家了。爸爸、哥哥、姐姐都在为妈咪忙，给妈咪买了电视机、医护床、空气净化机等等，妈咪也很开心终于可以回家了。终于可以跟妈咪video call,让妈咪见见我和孙子。她总是记着楷腾生日要给孙子红包，妈咪给不到了。

我是个胆小的人，我一直后悔为何我没有在FMCO期间敢敢回家去。我本来决定了，又退缩，这是我下半辈子的遗憾。总是觉得还可以多一下，但生命是不会等我的。这是生命给我上的一堂课。

那段时间，妈咪回家后，发现原来妈咪背后有bedsore,同时因为长时间卧床，妈咪需要物理治疗和复健。感恩有爸爸和姐姐的爱，妈咪得到很细心的照料，真的不容易。妈咪也经常有可爱的小情绪，比如：你们是不是不要我了？也会一直在意衣服呀，头发要set啦等等。我从来不知道原来复健那么痛而且bedsore 真的很痛（妈咪真的很棒，很用力了）。回家后，妈咪也一直晚上睡不好，她说她害怕睡觉，因为护士又要来欺负她。（或许医院也有很多病痛的病人，有些呻吟声深深烙印在我妈妈的记忆里）有些恐惧我们没经历过，我们不能理解。我们知道妈咪很努力很努力，也很爱我们。

7月16日妈咪去了趟医院做吞咽测试（我们都以为妈咪可以渐入佳境）。回来后一直很疲乏。晚上妈咪最后一次说爱我。

7月17日跟妈咪视讯，妈咪已经没有任何声音，只是眼睛一时开大多数关。

7月18日（星期天）

妈咪从17号开始眼睛一直张不开，很无力。姐姐看着担心，决定送妈咪去医院。在这之前，哥哥有安排了人来家里打扫清洁、有特别叫了rehab中心的护士帮妈咪按摩和清理妈咪的bedsore。幸好我有给妈咪2点多打了一通视讯，简单地跟妈咪说爱她和再见。怪异的是妈咪今天没有说疼，而且嘴巴一直用力闭着。（妈咪说过插喉很痛，或许妈咪不想再插喉了）在送上救护车的时候，我爸爸说妈咪的气色突然变了，呼吸也变弱了。

在抵达医院，医生告诉我姐姐妈妈的所有器官开始停止运作了，让我们选择到回家还是急救（插管，医生说很痛，不建议）。在还没来得及选择，医生说妈咪已经接受了3支强心针，一支逼妈咪醒的针，可是仍然没有反应，血也开始凝固抽不出了（妈咪已经自行决定离开这个病痛的躯体）。妈妈走了。姐姐突然打来的视频，我在警察局排队签信，跟妈咪说妈咪很棒好好走不要担心我们。那种心情我真的无法认真面对。

终于，孩子交托给保姆和家公家婆，老公载着我回到了娘家。（2个月没回的家，已经少了妈咪）

我们没办法接妈咪回家，因为妈咪有严重的肺部感染，xray看起来也和新冠有一些共同之处。所以需要等24个小时的PCR测试。妈咪的心愿就是回家，我们都在祈祷着妈咪快快回来。哥哥从PD赶着回来。等待的时间真的煎熬，但是我们却多出了时间帮妈咪整理出遗物。衣服啊，首饰呀，还有一些很可爱的记录（我们都觉得妈咪好伟大，一个好没读完小学的女孩，在一个重男轻女的家里，励志不让孩子被瞧不起）妈咪以前很辛苦，没有读书出来社会工作赚不多，可是都很无私分享给妹妹给老公和孩子。一个没有高等教育的女孩，有2个读大学的女儿，有一个很本事的儿子。都是妈咪和爸爸给我们教我们的。妈咪也没有给孩子留下任何的忧虑。她在年轻时已经为自己铺好了后事，并不需要我们孩子们为她奔波。母亲是可以超越你认为的能力（亏我们整体认为自己那么厉害，也不如妈咪想的总是那么周全）。

7月19日晚上9点终于盼来好消息，妈咪negative,可以回家了。

7月20日（HAJI）妈咪选择在好日子回来。这是我第一次看到没修饰过的大体。也是我去世的母亲。给妈咪敬了龙眼茶，就让爸爸和哥哥去选妈咪的新家。看着妈咪躺着不动，那心既是平静也一言难尽。在帮妈咪换上寿服，摸到妈咪没温度也非常柔软的手。。。心一直反复告诉自己，妈咪不痛了，走了。我也给妈咪准备了妈妈一直记挂着的糯米糕，摆上供奉。给妈妈说我以后会学习煮。以前你一直要我学烹饪，我一直不要。我现在想跟你一样，以后也留给孩子记得妈妈煮菜的味道。妈咪，我们会怀念你，但你不需要牵挂，我们已经长大，也会带着你的祝福延续你的爱。

7月21日我晚上都睡不好。一闭上眼，泪就一直流。我翻着妈咪的whatsapp，幸好妈咪给我留了好多语音。很多都是很可爱的。听着听着我更睡不着。。

7月22日妈咪出殡了。给妈妈（和阿姨家人，阿姨在妈咪生前答应要一起完成的事）颂了经，我们一家下线后给妈妈最后的话就哭成一团。这也是我第一次看到爸爸这样哭。不过妈咪这一生的功课已完成。也没什么好担心也遗憾。妈咪，我爱你也祝福你。

永远思念母亲刘桂枝

自您亲爱的小女儿

Journey of a Mother

A year ago, I was single and preparing to go for more and more career and travel plan. However, it was fated to meet my current husband.
He is more than a masculine man, however sensitive to feelings.
Everything happened according to what God planned for us.
We got together, in the speed of lightning.
Even the confession was done during my vacation in Vietnam 🇻🇳 (290818)
You can understand it as impulsive but it just happened in a very smooth and comfortable way.
How do I describe my man of life:
1. Very polite during our first date (turned up to be very lousy man 🙄)
2. Sensitive and supportive to my need (mentally and physically)
3. Enjoy family life
4. Very attractive when he spoke to kids (especially when comforting them)
5. Do more that speaks
6. Cook for me
7. Loyal to me (not to exclude Jay chow and Arsenal)
8. Sing and wrote songs for me (very sweet although getting lesser after married 🙄)
9. Pleasure me when I'm in bad mood (any thing can be tricks for him to cheer me although can be eye-rolling most of the time but I love him)
10. Able to plan life and make financial planning better than me. (always include me in his future plan)

It was just a short real dating before we engaged into marriage life.
We got our very lovely baby, gift from God.
Our son ❤️
There was hardtime where we had struggle to tell the truth to our both family members, getting them agreed and blessed us with all the support.
Also not to miss out the short time for us to run our wedding day (ROM 021218, wedding 130119)
I'm thankful that my husband guided me to go through all of these, always assured me with love when I was in confusion.

Then, we passed our first stage -- marriage
Living together in a house when we just know each other less than half a year.
I had my house moving, and definitely I was having homesick.
I wanted to be my mum's home always.
Then we quarreled. Ended up I cried but I understood, we had to move on. This is what life try to challenge us with changes.
Living under the same roof with my husband's parents.
It was good, they were nice but we all know, I still miss my home a lot, my mom my dad my brother and my sister. Even my dog. No one can replace them. They gave me really great childhood.

Next about my pregnancy.
I was kind of uncertained when my test showed double line.
I threw it to him after the test, and I think, he had wished it to happen.
Then we went for O&G for confirmation, and it was the first time we saw our boy.
A small pea-liked embryo from the screen.
A little excitement and I couldnt imagine how it look like when he finally come out.
My whole pregnancy was easy, just minor symptom such as nausea and dizzy. No vomiting or sick. Thanks for everything made my baby and myself healthy the whole pregnancy.
In 2nd trimester, the first time I felt its movement was in my car. Just a light kick from it, I was much delighted.
In 3rd trimester, I finally felt knee pain and back pain due to the weight I carried. It was torturing because I could not sprawled on bed because of the big tummy. My legs a bit swollen, easily tired doing everything.
Despite all the pain, I was very anticipated for its coming.
However, it chose to overdue, and I had to go to induce laboring.
I had my great dinner. All my family members came back and stayed together with me. It made me less fear.
The first pain surprised me when the nurse tucked in the medicine into my vagina. It was so deep that I could feel fire in it. My legs trembled badly after that. I requested for temporary anaesthetic so I fell aslept in the labor room while waiting for my birth canal to open.
The process was long, almost 10hours. When I woke up, the I started with the contraction pain. It felt like all my bones broken and squeezing them again and again. Luckily my husband accompanied me patiently and tried with some jokes (I don't really remember what he spoke, but I know he tried his best)
Laboring is being so naked. All the nurse and the doctor not only got to see my most private part of my body (even myself can't really see it), they had inserted their fingers to measure my canal (this is the painful part).
Not to miss out the pain where the nurse inserted the tube into my urethra. It was crazily awful. I even begged the nurse not to insert it just let me urine on the urine bucket, but she didn't listen to me. (nightmare)
Finally, it had reached 9cm, doctor came, I just used 5 to 10mins, I heard the scissors cutting sounds. It signified baby was ready to out. I did it. Can't explain how it felt when I first saw him on my chest.
I am now a mama. 💪💪
Hope my baby grow health and happy.
Love much for my baby, and I husband and family 👪

New Work

Yes. I insisted to back from kl to work in my own field of study. However, i found emptiness. Maybe i feel myself still not belong to the population. Im telling myself everything will be fine when i truly soak into the job routine. However, it's not happening fast enough. I do really hope there will be a new comers, going through all of this with me. I need a partner in crime. 

人是越長大越寂寞嗎？

Pray for a working partner, seriously. Im not feeling good facing all these on my own. Im still that 孩子氣. I don't want to grow up!! FML.

Preparation for job interview

I know im a bit spontaneous in act. Finally, i received first call for interview on this coming Monday. Nervous? Im likely to be panic at this moment. I can't stop thinking whether im capable for the job. Im lack of confidence. Im always protected and dependent on others.  And now, it's the time for me to face the obstacle on my own. I hate to present myself as i always spoil my performance during presentation. I wish to see how much did i transform or improve in responsiveness. 2am in the midnight of 27th of december, I finished in preparing my documents and certification for my job interview. I know im not the most excellent one but im not the worst. I need to ignite my passion and be confident. Fighting! I might not be successful for the first round but it will be an experience in sharpening my performance in future. Be brave, be the one. Ohh! I forget to mention. All the best in the final exam! My first paper ends 4hours ahead my interview. I must be insane. Haha!! I know i need to fight for a job. That's all i know. :D

瘦身瘦身

放任自己好久啦～～快甩肉呀！得餓自己幾天了。。。加油吧。。。科科 xD

Able or not able?

Nothing went on track about my academic at university level. Am i reaching my limits or i am just simply procrastinating? I started to doubt myself ever since i quit my job. Nothing feels right at the moment. I stay up late for studies, worked on pass year, pushing myself to understand but my brain just got malfunction in the critical period. I always believe in two words "i can" but the faith seems to fade. Who to blame? Me. Not taking good care of my mental status. Even choose to burn midnight oil to post this paragraph instead of keeping clearer mind for tomorrow exam. Stop being addictive! Fan lol lor.....