156days

i had been a form6 student for 156days..
finally, i succeeded to make myself suit to my study environment..
i stopped myself from digging bigger hole for my grave..
don worry.. i would be fine as all i would..
concentrate on your studies and socialisation among your friend..
i promised..
i would not bring any childish case for you anymore..
i would stand stiff on my own..

yesterday..
i was so unhappy..
because someone made me insaned..
i thought you would comfort me..
but you shown me that..
it doesn't really big deal and i was so immatured..
felt hurt a bit..
so i wrote a letter for you..
all my sadness and feelings are written on paper..
no one knows except me..
then i tore them into pieces..
it was a way to release my tension..
at least..
i felt i was 'shared' with you..
it seemed dumb.. haha..
but effective..
i thought of why you neglected my needs..
i saw a post from facebook..
'如果我的回复只是‘噢’和一些简单的回答，请原谅我，我只是不同意你的想法，不愿惹气更多的不悦。。’
i was not sure of what you went through yesterday..
but i guessed you felt me immatured and i should have ability to pacified myself..
and yes i did..
or maybe you were busy, or you were in moody too..
anything..
but it did not important anymore..
i would conceal and control my emotion..
i should face my problems myself..
i would grown up.. just gave me some time..
occasionally, i would blame you..
but think wisely.. i was the faulty..
haha..
so jia you!!
saw mey don emo!!

i wanted to share

i want to tell you that..
my average cocurriculum got 80.5marks..
i was so happy..
i wanted to share with you the most..
although you got higher marks then mine during your secondary,
i felt wanted to share with you..
actually..
occasionally, i would take offense when you leave comments for others..
i was not the one you felt wanted to share of your life..
eventhough you were not purposely.. i felt miserable..
in facebook..
i seems like never connected to you..
you used to it..
sometimes,
i envied some couples..
whenever they posted somethings..
they'll soothe each other on time..
basically.. you hated to do so..
i was not the type of girl you expected to be in love..
i was not pretty..
not sweet,
blunt to take initiative..
fat..
not friendly..
vulnerable..
a non-christian..
a coward..
weird styling.. no personality..
not confidented..
strong jealousy..
under-performing academic, relationship, and physical condition..
not attractive, pessimism..
not romantic girl.............................
nothing branded good on me...
i knew..
you cant find a virtue on me..
but you were 99% opposite of me..
inferiory flooded every cell of mine..
i hoped i could do something..
for myself.. to make my family and you proud..
sorry~

well.. i'm jealous..

nothing special for me to jealous some1..
ya..
i'm still influenced by the position..
i knew time would faded our connection..
it ate our mutual dependence..
it had been once i felt i was on the top of mountain..
but i knew..
i had no longer be that one..
i was not a generous person..
i was a miser..
horrible type..
what i appreciate now was.. your cares toward me..
i did not know how long we would continue,
but i won't give up as i still love you..
and i would learn not to depend so much on you..
its time for your removal of burden(me)