Able or not able?

Nothing went on track about my academic at university level. Am i reaching my limits or i am just simply procrastinating? I started to doubt myself ever since i quit my job. Nothing feels right at the moment. I stay up late for studies, worked on pass year, pushing myself to understand but my brain just got malfunction in the critical period. I always believe in two words "i can" but the faith seems to fade. Who to blame? Me. Not taking good care of my mental status. Even choose to burn midnight oil to post this paragraph instead of keeping clearer mind for tomorrow exam. Stop being addictive! Fan lol lor..... 

讚扬

从一个内向的孩子，长大成为一个能在众人面前发言的人。这路程，需要多少的激励，需要多少的恐惧和眼泪？这些只有自己知道。建立自信必须先会放开自我，而我看开了别人对我的评语。今天，我很开心，因为得到了院长的讚扬，得到了他的挽留。这并不是什么大不了，但我满足，因为我知道，我又进步了。学生偷拍了我的身影，我很欢喜，因为我知道，她欢喜我成为她的教师。我心中很富裕，我想分享我的喜悦。成长需要时间，并不是天份，我走得慢，但我有我的特质，我得慢慢琢磨我的特质。加油吧！

命运的安排？

朦胧里总是看见一团白雾，

走不出的路。

不清楚，

前方是危险还是财路。

懵懵懂懂，

上天已替我选择我该走的路。

我不喜欢，我得走，

我不解，也得走。

过了一年又一年，

我觉得自己是一个机器人，

就算有想法，我也说不出来。

我是被命运捆住了吗？

过去现在未来，

总是听得糊里糊涂，

半信半疑，但我还是得跟着走。

这是噩梦吗？快醒过来好吗？

不能说？我真的不能说，为什么？

我当初不是抱着着一些期待而踏出那一步路，

怎么，我却被设定成这一种角色？

可以让我过我自在的生活吗？

不要连衣着也得让着管，

读书也被唠叨着。

你认为的好，我觉得压力。

让我呼吸好吗？

我好害怕，却没有人能靠，就因为不能说。

几时我才能大胆地说不？

不美

我

总是希望东西都是好的

结局都是完美的

现实

就算我

也存在着许多的不完美

今天我度过了一个奇怪的“联谊会”。

男生谈他们的

我们却聊着自己的

同桌但不同心

其实这也是一个很好的体验环境

这是个不舒服的心在作怪

我看见了自己不美的地方

该学着接受且面对它

别让它阻碍我前进

改变不了或者补救不了的事太多

选择接受，面对还有放下它。

看见了自己，该学会增进自我的智慧，加油！祝福自己也祝福让我看见自己的朋友。

突然，我很想被亲爱的人拥抱。或许看见了自己的不美，心需要被祢补。觉得突然弱了，需要被撑。但愿，我心中富裕，事事如意。感恩。我还有朋友。

Decided

This chinese new year will definitely be the one that differs from the past to us. Besides having reunion dinners at our own house and relatives' houses, we went to look for an ideal house. Today was the second day of cny, after having great lunch with my tua pek's family we departed to butterworth. We tried to look for several new launch projects there but they were still beaten up by the one we considered at balik pulau. So we went to dined at tambun and back at around 6pm. 

Followed by unplanned schedule, we went to queensbay to shop. After we came down by escalator, we were attracted by the PLB roadshow. After hearing the details, we were so anticipated. It was already 10.30pm. We decided to go to have a look at the new location. We were so attracted by the scenery. At a lighting speed, my bro called to make booking. It meant a lot for us to build a better and more peaceful home. Gratitute to everything that supports us. Gratitute to our ancestor. Saddhu saddhu saddhu. May all be well and happy.

Showhouse day

Today i woke up at 12pm and i departed with my family to balik pulau at 1pm. We were planned to have a look at the showhouse there. We planned to move in a landed house. So my brother searched up and down. Finally he got an invitation to the showhouse there. Fully furnished with reasonable price. We all loved the environment just hoped to reduce a bit the pricing. I loved the design and i felt so much hopes in this house. Yes. It is a dream house. Hope that we will be blessed to get a better living environment for the sake of my parents. Sukhihontu~ saddhu saddhu saddhu.

Ps. Tmr is the result releasing date. I just remembered it this evening. My heart is pounding in abnormal heartbeat. Face it, accept it, deal with it and let it go. All the best :)

单身情人节

在忙碌中，我结束了这一天。

回到家中打开电脑

看到许多幸福的情侣上传了各自的幸福事迹。

而我，

却好像在票选最佳情侣般

不停的在给他们按赞（投下一票）

哈哈。。

其实，每一个爱情故事都有欢笑有泪水。

懂得珍惜的坚持的，就能走过好多个年华。

当中也有许多单身男女在此刻感慨寂寞，但我却阅而不赞。

原因是单身也是受祝福的，不须特别有人疼才幸福呀！

今天我和我亲爱的学生们玩乐了大半天，好幸福，好感恩。

被学生唤着“老师，老师。”还挺不错的。

或许这学习教学的一年让我拥有了不一样的追求。

觉得这种被需要远远比爱人缠绵来得更充实。

祝福全天下的人幸福平安，单身双身都快乐。

感恩今天还活着 :)

走了

今天她走了

她是一位很棒的母亲

很和蔼的老人家

她虽与我无血缘之亲

但她的体贴和用心总让人感觉像奶奶

总是担心我们吃不饱

用不好。

凌晨五点钟

病发、呻吟却无人闻之

就这样突然

之前还好好的，

健健康康

又说有笑的

现在，却没了。

说实话，我害怕。

因为我母亲与她年纪相仿。

突然觉得我母亲老了。

我不敢想像没有她的日子。

我怕了。在我这个年纪。

事物交替更换，太突然，太意外。

这个年纪，我想学会珍惜拥有的。

您走了，我十分感恩您对我妈、我哥和我的照顾和用心。愿你一路走好。安息吧。

Being a part time tutor

It had been a year plus since i started to be a tutor for charity. I remembered when i said i never wanted to become a teacher in my life. I felt that it would be an obstacle that i would never cross over. Now, the idea changed. I love playing the teacher's role. To pass knowledge and build a person's ability. It is so amazing that although my students seldom show appreciation to our efforts, their performance speak much more gratitution to me. I was used to be inconfident with my speech back then, but now, even im stuttering i believe that my speech somehow contains points. I love the internal transformation of myself. Even i spoke in the camp using english, i felt comfortable. Will work harder in sharpening my speech ability. Im blessed. Contented with wisdom. Saddhu saddhu saddhu.

Buddha said: dont look on the pass but work on current life. It is how you will shape your future.

My 23rd birthday

This is the first time i celebrated by staying at home whole day long. Actually it isn't any celebration but i acknowledge that a birthday should be spent with family especially mom. 

I helped my mom to make kuih kapit by making up fire using charcoal, flipping the tools, folding the kuih kapit and finished them at 5.30pm. I felt changes on me, i never put my parents' need so significant back then.

Even the small incident happened yesterday night was incredibly not my style. To be honest, i was not really hold on to my assumed appreciation to someone. The person was shocked and feeling weird receiving "confession" from me. However i enjoyed the conversation, i had never been so fine before.

Now, it is time to end my birthday. I wish i will be blessed and be a better person in life. In search of peaceful and happiness. Saddhu saddhu saddhu...