Grilled life

So ya, i wanna post a new article about myself. I had started a part time job as a tuition teacher since last month. I was nervous to death during the first week. However everything just turned up getting smoother that i would ever imagine. Honestly, this experience just made me so against to have my own child in future. To deliver, to raise, to care and ensure their future is a long and stony journey. I prefer to play with my siblings' children (i really wish them to have xD) i saw some of the tuitors being so tame to their students while the other so strict to them. I think im just betwen the two lines. I hope i would be the latter one. 

So as work being added to my uni life, i have conflict dealing with my academics and money. Haha.. However, i just think it as a good training to undergo what others don't. My background doesn't support me with strong financial status, so i decided to make my own. Sadly, my academics wasn't excellent to qualify me any scholarship, so i had to stay upstill. My brother has once criticised me for being a burden for my family. I cried so hard and it really motivated me to keep moving on nowadays. Never regret for doing mistakes, just care what to make a better solution.  

Last friday, i attended dharma class. I shared about a core lesson i learnt from the class, which is the right intention. Knowing why you are taking the decision and always keep in mind why you started it. Being a buddhist is not only believing it but be living it. Learning the buddha taught and practise in life. Buddhist is not just offering to buddha or sangha and you all will be bless. This is what we often misunderstand. Many of us address ourselves as a buddhist because we are chinese. The main purpose we offer buddha is to remind us to his teaching but not acquire his blessing. Buddha is not magic. He doesn't create or destroy, he found the truth. The truth that i always want to realise myself. 

Lastly, i found a junior who has the same style as lin aun. He made me remember all those forgotten memories just in an eye contact. I realise that i have never forget those and will never be forgotten. However, i know i really could control my mind now. Knowing that impermanent is the only permanent thing in this world. I thought i wouldn't live for single once ago, but now, i would prefer to stay single and spend on my earned money. To travel to stay or to leave only depend on my own. My mind is changing and i don't know how would i end, but sure it won't be regretted again. 

Once again, lastly, all the best :) be happy

My hair finally grows at satisfactory length. :)

Plan B

It doesn't work in the way i thought. However, i am feeling normal to it. Perhaps, i have already prepared for the result, so i am like immune to the happening. However, it doesn't put off my motivation to go further. Perhaps, it just not now. I wish to have a vacation, somewhere out of this country in recent. Which i prefer to call plan B. :) . Working on saving and earning at this moment. Different experience im gainning, thumbs up for me :)

Few days ago, a form6 teacher inbox me. Honestly, it was a bit surprise for me. Something great was making to my deep consideration. I really wonder how would i think of my university life when i was old or just maybe into the work. I wish that it will be something i was proud and was going to brag about. Grow strong and be loved. Blessing the best for myself. 

All the best for all. :)

不善心

自從面對了同伴與麵包的考驗後，自己起了不善心—妒忌。

這一個不善心是由自小的驕縱與傲慢心下萌芽的。

雖然世事有時並無法被自己掌控，但我得學會管理自己的身口意。我起的意念是因為我不了解當中的根本，當自己坐下好好思考後覺悟。別去計較事情的演變，生活無常，我得做好自己的本分，因為別人也是在做著他該做的本分。看清楚自己的墮落心，再精進。別讓不開心的磁場繼續流轉。正能量！做好本分，不是問題！加油！！微笑 :D

A little secret here

I used to hide myself in my comfort zone. Sometimes, it has been my habit to avoid solving problems on my own. For instance, actually i did not apply usm on my own efforts but through my father's benefit. It is time for me to step on my own feet and do something big. 

I has been dreamt of travelling overseas before but i never have courage enough to admit it. The main reason is about money. There are many things running through my mind every time i tried to step out of my comfort zone. The most profound experience was the time i want to study pharmacy so much and i stopped my pace because i couldn't solve the financial problems. I talk big but i do not have faith on my own idea. Im an easily dream-broken person. 

Now, i want a brand new experience and for the first time i'm doing research and putting a little more efforts in it. All the while, i have found that it isn't a hard process to learn new thing---discover new information. Desperate to get rid of the type of ostrich life. 

Work for it. Saw Mey. Step out, and live it. <3

爸爸

What can a dad do for his children? 

I dont know how about the other dad, i know mine.

Honestly, i dont treat good to my dad in tone. I speak loud and even shouted to him when he is asking for a cellphone operation. Everything he does for me i take for granted. I never buy him a breakfast like he always does. I always request other to love their parents, but what do i do for my parents? I look down on them, speak rude and make troubles to them.

So these are how my dad replies to my action:

Asking  me to choose a breakfast everyday. Speak soft to me. Quietly give me pocket money and help me to fill petrol ever since i want to hang out by my house vehicles. Im always pampered by his care and attention. The most great thing he did to me is he never blame me directly whenever i did a big mistake. Firstly, he would calm me down to be afraid that i could be panic when the incident happened. Then he will help to settle the things for me, trying his best, never sharing his fears to me. He will just give a simple advice and will never take this incident as a weapon to blame me in future. He protects me and his act is making me selfish and egoism. 

Today, a bad case happened, it actually could be avoided if i were careful enough or taking responsibility as a good daughter. Always inform my parents on what im doing. I remembered what 吳鎮宇said to his son: "受傷了記得回家" i live my 22years life and now i realise how important to back home and inform parents when something happen. 

The last sentence: sorry daddy, thank you so much.

有点小悲伤

虽然知道你对我用情并不深，但是你的回应的确让我有小难过。曾经等我回复的你，不再找我。就算给你的生日祝福，你也默默地说了谢谢就沉默了。原来我给你的伤害是如此。只能说，我没成为一个该被珍惜的女孩。默默地为你祝福，也祝福我自己。谢谢你的付出和帮忙，很感恩，我也不会再那么自以为是了。你让我学习很多。加油呀！素媚

:)

Im not the only kind

It seems awkward to write it here but i just couldn't withold myself from doing it. Yeah. I was kind of too bored and went to read the blog of the FOB of my friend. As an overview, all of her blog posts is truly problematic. Complains, selfcentered and full with repention. It sounds so familiar with me. Yes. It was me. The one who used to tell my sorrow and resentful stories to the world. Especially using blogs. I see myself from her. The one who doesnt look at the bright side on her own and blaming the world for not treatenning us righful enough. It is a process to grow up. 

I hope that one day she can feel instead of the world is breaking her heart but to be contented on what she chose to be. She said she was not interested to continue on what she was studying right now. She had the chance to make a difference to her choice, but she only blamed her luck neither making a new decision nor changing her attitude. Life is hard to proceed if she continues to live like this. She is having acknowledgement of financial independence now like how i am facing too. Eagerly to show something to our family to prove that we are not that little anymore. Away from being bias towards her from what i heard from others. I see her being too pessimistic living in the world from her views. Stop caring other people's critism on us. Even she keeps saying being herself but she doesn't look happy at all. If she is not happy, that is not the point to be herself. Just all the best to you. 

Lastly, please never ever think to replace a man you loved so much with a man who loved you so much. It would end up hurting the man who loved you and breaking your heart knowing that the man you loved doesn't care at all. End of sharing. Try to digest my points of view too, sorry for taking your story. I just want to warn myself not to back to those time anymore.

一句无情的“从来没有”

用一句从来没有而定我的罪。不想说不想吵，第一次在陌生的地方不停地想哭。我以为我不会那么容易掉泪了。讨厌不能忍住眼泪的自己。好想好好发泄。就算你说得对，我一句也不想听进去。我真的觉得委屈了。

What Atuk said

Im kind of superstitious as i was born in a family which is halfly taoisme. Especially when my family was introduced to Atuk since two years ago. I truly believe that He has the power to change our fortune. I started with partial belief in Him at the beginning. However, he shown something amazing as time gone by. He knew what i done during my school day including where and who i dated with. The point is that i never tell anyone about the incident. So this is the preface before im going to start the story.

So this it. It is short but sad. He told me that i would get B for my this semestre result. It meant that i would be getting grade around B- to B+? Im so sad but i do accept as i can feel my performance this semestre. He had warned me before my second semestre had started. I deserved it even it is going to be a bad result. So the conclusion might be im lazy and not clever enough. Anyway, looking forward for the camp. Add oil ba!!

迷茫

今天的我犯了大错。我竟然睡过头了。虽然这一般上是件小事，但是过分的是今天有期中考。进入大门的那一刻，所有人的目光都投射在我身上。我有想落泪的自责感。还在昏迷状况的我，教授很亲切地帮我借纸和给我考试，他们还特意延长了考试时间。我感恩我爸妈送我到学校，我感恩我今天有许多人给我便利。因为我的迷茫，所以我的结果，我承担。没有人来问候我，我感恩，因为我并不想难过得落泪。今天的错是第二次犯了，是罪有应得。虽然考试大概是挂了，但我会振作，不会再不清不楚了。考试我应该告诉父母，让他们可以预防我睡过头。加油！加油！重做考卷吧。不要觉得自己什么都不会。还有大考，一定要加油！再次感恩借纸和订书机的朋友。向迷茫革命。

给花痴收

这一段上大学的日子

身边的朋友一个一个地脱离了单身

眼见自己的年纪已迫近二十五

我无法不为自己忧心

不知道这世上能够与我相爱的人存在吗？

或许我前些日子早已能够步入双身

但其实我抗拒的原因却掺杂着一份的迷信

你相信吗

如果有人告诉你

你这年纪并不适合恋爱

恋爱会是你目前最大的绊脚石

我相信

或许你会觉得我荒谬

可是我选择相信

虽然相信并不是我想要的结果。

我还是想让人疼

让人爱

我想遇见那个你，

但是我知道这个时候我并无法遇上你

你觉得我过虑了

但是我愿信也不要赔上我的未来事业

你可以说我傻

我无法辩护，

因为我接受了一个并不是我愿意的言论

Let it go let it go

再奋斗两年吧！

春天会来的

给花痴的我收 <3

Result release liao

I have screenshot it down and i want to make myself feeling ashame and repent on my result. Except for calculus, i get all b for my core courses. But im feeling better that i get a for both my calculus and english. Luckily no c or b-. 3.47 overall. cgpa for my teras only 3.38?? Im thinking bad. Among all of our chinese coursemates, i might at the bottom. So forget about it. I purposely post it up just to make myself aware of my attitude and my aim to transfer course. Next semester onwards, i will not be working. So i should spend more times at study. This is a good motivator i guess :) kah yao ar!!

素媚，你在做什么？

         “素媚，你在做什么？”基本上，这句话只会被两种人套用。第一种，是真的想知道我在做什么，而另一种则是用在责问我的语气。当然，后者的使用率居多。“素媚，你又再做麽了？”最近的我迷糊得很，最严重的一次是前天我驾车忘了打方向灯，导致随后的摩托车差点翻覆。除此之外，也试过多算顾客百多令吉，离谱的是，事情是在一个星期后，才由我的上司发现。这可能是因为我太累还是快衰老了吗？我不能断定，只能想办法亡羊补牢。就算于事无补，也至少能让自己的罪恶感减低。

         话说回第一种问候，我就老实点承认最近的自己有一点桃花。，不多，就少许。起因是因为在家闲着没事就给自己拍了好几张高角度大头照，然后上载到面子书。原本宽阔的下颚变得跟美人儿一样（夸张修辞），此时网上就出现了好几个“陌生”朋友的关心。常常慰问近况，不然就是想约我见面。当然，我还不至于那么随便，我也知道我不可以在网上骗“单纯”的网友们，所以就婉转的拒绝了。当然，故事写到这，你必然觉得我本人有一点自恋，一点发骚，异常地好上钩。如果，真的自爱，坚定，就直接好了嘛，还婉转个什？唉，寂寞的单身女人，不这样找乐子，哪儿来的有趣呢？呵呵~放心，我会适可而止，不会太天真，太傻。只是偶尔会渴望有一个真心关心我的男人，为我买早餐。当然，条件是，必须是我心仪的男士，这样才能办到让我尝到幸福的味道。但回头想想，自己对人的用心和关怀都很少，要人家对我特好，那可是难事一桩。我不强求了，事情看开了，无论做什么事，都会很开心。

         我这三年来最值得让我自豪的是我学会给自己打气。这让我遇到难过的事都可以很容易再站起来。当我要生朋友的气的时候，我能做到忍让和放下。我很开心，因为我能接受责骂。所以，当你在问起我在做到什么的时候，我会告诉自己我在做着更好的自己。面对大家，我不需要怕，因为就算被你骂，我也会学习到其中的精华。谢谢我所有的过路人，我感恩。能接受自己的不完美，是你们教我的，学着改变也是你们的帮助。但愿，你们幸福快乐平安。 J

To him

I know you try your best to stay beside me when I'm emotionally down. Frankly, I am reluctant to waste your effort, you are a good man, but I'm not ready to have you. Perhaps, it has been something important that is missing between us. I tried to let you to get in my world, but then I realise we will never be in the same world. I want to let you know but I don't know how to get it started. Don't treat me good, I feel sorry for you, but being friend with you is a great thing in my life. Hmm.. just give me some time to tell you.

consequences of procrastination

Today was the second subject for my first year first semester. Analytical Chemistry. It was known to be the killer subject, regarding to our seniors. Since the last subject, which was Calculus, i felt like to bang my head on wall and roll my body down the hill. (just to release my frustration ) Everyone seemed to grade the final exam as easy as drinking water. However I got stuck in doing the exam. I was beaten. Today, this exam wasn't an easy one, for sure I couldn't excel as to relate to my title. I gave up on my paper 2 and I might not get above 25 per 50. How was I going to pass this paper? I wondered. Since the day I stepped on USM, I was getting stressed. In every test that was going on in USM, I would be nervous, and sometimes, I even couldn't sleep. Even the assignment was not an easy task. For me, these were not the bad part, the bad thing was there wasn't bell-shaped examination grading. There might be possibility to fail if I did not do well in final. I thought I was that kind of brilliant person, indeed, i was so discrete like a sand among my coursemates. My result was nothing if to compare with their flying colour results. I knew results were not a guideline to decide one's success anymore, but I did not discover my advantageous field besides of studying. What should I do to improve myself? I'm currently phobia to go for examination. It had became a nightmare. And yet, I was procrastinating my time on blogging. I should prepare for my next subject, gambatae neh~~~

You are still my best listener~~~~ :) energy boost up!!